~My Journey to Diagnosis

I've had so many people ask me why I'm not blogging and I'm sorry it's been 2 months and 6 days since my last blog but I have been experiencing some health issues.

Tonight I'm going to talk about my journey.....

At first (around a year ago) I started noticing pain in my hands, swelling in my fingers, discomfort in my wrist. It was not often and I seriously thought I had carpal tunnel. I am an Office Manager that works on a computer ALL day taking care of benefits and payroll for my company. I would take some ibuprofen and was able to move on with my life.

As time went by, the pain become more and more frequent and intense. Then it began moving to different parts of my body. One morning I would wake up and my shoulder would be hurting (thought I slept wrong), the next day it would be my ankle, sometimes my feet, my arms, my legs, my neck, my hips, my knees, etc....the pain would move around but my hands have always been the worse. Then came the numbness...in my hands, wrists, arms, and feet. When the numbness started is when the blogging stopped.

Let me say that I am one of those people that preaches to my family to go to the Dr. (Just ask my Husband...I love you Honey) but when it is my turn I always come up with the best excuses... I have to work, I don't have time, I'll feel better tomorrow (and sometimes I did)

The truth was I was scared..... I was scared that I would become a burden to my family, I was scared of a diagnosis, I didn't want my life to change.

The day that began my journey to diagnosis was November 12, 2009. I woke at 3 AM to go to the bathroom and couldn't walk. My left knee and right ankle were both inflamed so neither leg would work. It was agonizing. I couldn't sleep all night because of the pain. I couldn't go to work and I couldn't get out of bed to take pain medication so Rudy came home at lunch to bring food and medication. He said "I'm taking you to the Dr." and my excuse was "You don't need to miss work, if I'm not better when you get off we can go to the Urgent Medical." When he got home Paige was helping me get out of the bath, I couldn't stand long enough to take a shower and Rudy had to dress me.

As bad as I was hurting, I begged Rudy to turn around and take me back home all the way to the Medical Center. Looking back I think I was having a panic attack...I was crying and told him I would refuse treatment. Now...for those of you that know me really well (and the medical drama I've been through) probably understand my fear but I will never forget what happened next....as we got to the Wendy's on Battleground I closed my eyes and began to pray. "God I trust you and know that you will not put on me more than I can handle....please take this fear from me if it is your will to do so" I immediately felt peace. I'm thankful Rudy didn't listen to my begging, my crying, my fears and take my whining butt back home.

After a long list of complaints, the Dr. referred me to a Rheumatologist, which I first saw on December 3, 2009. I had a totally different outlook with this appointment. I wanted to feel good...I was tired of hurting so I looked forward to meeting Dr. Anderson. There was no fear, God had replaced that with peace and understanding. Dr. Anderson listened to my laundry list of signs and symptoms then asked me to go to the ultrasound room. There is where he found the inflammation in my wrists and fingers he said I had some type of inflammatory arthritis. He ordered blood tests that day and started me on Prednisone (which made me feel like a million bucks).

I went back yesterday (Dec 17th) for my final diagnosis. He said "Your results are off the charts Rheumatoid Arthritis." He started me on some Methotrexate and I have to have blood tests every month for a while to keep a check on my liver.

So now starts my journey of living a life with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'm thankful that I am able to manage the pain until they find a cure. Hopefully that will happen during my lifetime.

I'd like to hear if any of you have RA and what your experience has been.

I've been feeling great lately....good enough to blog and that's good enough for me.

Find Your Way Back Home

Okay.....so I'm switching gears (sort of). I don't know how long it's been since I've written a poem but I have a folder full of poems I've written over the years. Mainly it consists of poems about Makenzie because writing became my therapy after her death. I will share those over time so check back periodically (especially the people that knew her).

Tonight I write about my newly created family. Rudy and I have been married 6 months and 8 days and with our commitment came 4 beautiful children. Brandon (21), a Junior in college. Austin (18), a Freshman in college. Paige (17), a Senior in high school. Olivia (6), a 1st grader. We knew our lives would be full (and busy) but we never expected to love each other's children so much. Thank you kiddos for loving us back.

Paige, Brandon, Rudy, Olivia, Me, and Austin

God's most precious gift has tiny fingers and toes

and He chooses the perfect parents, which only He knows.

We do the best we can teaching right from wrong

and pray for your safety until you make it back home.

Brandon is the oldest and the most independent

We don't see him often so our time with him is well spent.

His life is busy and still he has time to call us

We love you, Son and we're so proud you're so focused.

Austin is a hard worker and loves his games

He's a sports fanatic, you can ask him anything.

It's "Yes Ma'am" and hugs all day long

We love you, Son and so proud you're so strong.

Paige wants to grow up but she's scared too death

I have a feeling we'll have to help her make that step

Don't be afraid, we're here if you stumble

We love you, Sweetie and so proud you're so humble.

Olivia is a sensitive child and so full of joy

She loves to talk and is not interested in her toys

She likes attention and is always trying to please us

We love you, Sweetie and so proud of your love for Jesus.

We love each of your smiles and savor all your kisses

and wonder when you're away if you ever miss us?

We hope as you grow older and create lives of your own

You'll always want to visit us and find your way back home.

Olivia's Project~

Yesterday when I got home from work I decided to give Olivia (my 6 year old) a project. My only words to her were "Olivia, I need you to take 3 pictures of things you are thankful for. After you take the pictures I am going to ask you why you are thankful for those things" I gave her my camera and left the room because I didn't want to persuade her decision. I didn't want her to look at me for approval. I wanted this to be HER project. These pictures were the results:

I asked her what she was thankful for in this picture and she said the CROSS. It's a little difficult to see it on the mantle because it's black and blends in with the picture (Paige gave this CROSS to me for my birthday this year) Olivia said "When Jesus died on the cross he was special but they killed him because they thought he was lying"

She's thankful for the flowers because "they are beautiful and when someone gets married or dies they get flowers".

I said "What could you possibly be thankful for here?" Her response was "Granny's candy dish. Your Granny died and it made you sad but you can look at this and think about her."

I stood in amazement...no pictures of toys, baby dolls, stuffed beenie babies, bicycles, or anything I thought she would choose. The cross didn't surprise me because I talk about being Thankful to God for a lot of things. The flowers were a little funny to me....a wedding and a funeral....I hope she doesn't associate them as the same. My Granny's candy dish blew my mind. Granny Grace (my paternal grandmother) died September 6th, 2003, the same year Olivia was born. I have 1 picture of Granny holding Olivia and I don't even remember telling her the story of the candy dish but she knew and she never forgot.

Olivia blessed my heart with her selections and she also taught me to look around at the little things in life that I can be thankful for. We're all thankful for family, health, and God's love but are we thankful for the simple things like a cross on a mantle, flowers, and a candy dish?

I challenge you to do this same project with your kids. It doesn't matter their age, it will give you a perspective of what's important to them. Well done Olivia, if I was grading your project....you'd get an A+ (and a great big hug from Momma)

Blog Hoppin ~ My response is in red.

Pam sent this to me and I thought it was pretty neat so I am sharing it with all of you....fill in the blank...my response is in red

Something to THINK ABOUT!!!!!!!
You just found out you have one week to live. The first person you call is My Pastor and say "I want to pray and thank God for all he's given to me." Immediately after hanging up the phone, you leave the doctors office and before heading home you go to the house so you can gather my thoughts before having a talk with my family.You gather your family at home that night and say "Please live your lives for God and don't be afraid of what people think. He is the key to your salvation and eternal life in Heaven" then all of you together pray, embrace, and pack our bags. You book a three day trip to three different places because you've always wanted to go to see my parents and family in Tennessee, to see Rudy's family in Texas, and a missions trip to Mexico. On the way back from your trip you stop off at Makenzie's grave site to say "See you soon my child" because you've been meaning to for a long time. For two more days you spend your time reading my Bible, writing on my blog, and spending time with family and friends. You make sure you tell them in detail how much they mean to me, write each one a personal letter to keep and read when times get tough and spend quality time alone with each of them.... three things you know you should have taken care of but have been putting off. The final day is too personal to write about but you wonder to yourself: why did I have to get a death notice before I finally did all those things this week? The reason I'll probably keep putting off all those things is because I don't live my life like I am dying but I love my life and I will do all these things in time, God willing.

Special thanks to Shoplet.com-Purell Hand Sanitizers for sponsoring this blog hop.

~Next Season~

Softball was a huge part of my life growing up in TN. I played on a all girl's league at Tucker's Crossroads from the time I was 7 until I was 17. I played 2nd base for 3 years then moved to short stop for the remaining years. Below is a picture of the Edward's Brothers team in 1989. I was 16 years old. Back then I would get so nervous before the games that I thought I would throw up and I was very competitive (my Husband says I still am).

Top Row 2nd from the left - that's me

I played several years of co-ed softball (Paige seems to think she was 9 the last year I played). I played 2nd base and during the last game that year I was hit a ground ball (I had no fear of getting hurt) I stopped it but immediately felt pain. When I took my glove off, my pinky finger was bleeding, my nail was gone, and the pain was unbearable. I sat out the rest of that inning then returned to play the rest of the game. About a week later (I worked at a hospital at the time) Dr. Caudill saw my finger and demanded I come see him for an x-ray. It was broken. I haven't stepped on a field since......until now.

My Husband Rudy (Pitcher) and I (First Base)

When I heard our Church was playing in a co-ed softball league I was EXCITED to say the least. When Chris (our coach) told me I was playing 1st base....not so excited anymore. I was intimidated by the men and their throwing arms. I had never played 1st and wasn't sure about the rules. We had a couple of practices and my confidence built up some. From the very 1st game we played I stepped on that field with pride (and no fear). I have to say that I surprised myself with the fact that I can still hit the ball, catch the ball, and run the bases. By the way....I LOVE LOVE LOVE 1st base!!

That's Me - # 3

Yes, I've had a great time playing but I have had a better time getting to know my Church family in a recreational way. I want to thank our coach Chris, assistant coach Jeff, my teammates, Rudy, Jim, Lynn, Leatrice, both Jessicas, Bella, Craig, Al, Heidi, Leslie, Patrick, Matt, Leigh Ann, Jessie, and Alie. I want to say a special thank you to Mama Sue and Mr. Mike, I love seeing your faces cheering us on each week. The memories have been awesome and it has been a bonding experience for Rudy and me. After each game we gather with the other team at the pitcher's mound. We form a circle, hold hands, and pray to our Lord, Jesus Christ. It's my favorite part of the game, 2 teams coming together to praise God. Thank you Lord for this experience.

Our final record was 1-12 but you would never know it by the smiles on our faces as we come off the field each week. I'm already looking forward to next year but first....co-ed volleyball starts soon. To all The Kirkers, thanks for playing, I had fun, see you @ Church on Sunday, and we'll get em next season!

Crossing Over From Parenthood to Friendship

Friday after work Rudy and I headed to Wilmington, NC, it's a 3 1/2 hour drive from Greensboro. This is a trip we've talked about taking for 6 weeks. My Step-Son Brandon attends college at UNCW and has lived in Wilmington for 3 years. He's 21. He's independent. He's a hard worker. He's smart. He's got his life together and goals set for his future. We wanted to spend some quality time with him since we don't see him as often as our other 3 kids.

Brandon and Bonnie

Brandon has an amazing girlfriend Ashton that has been a part of his life since his Sophomore year in High School. She pushes him to be great and he responds. She has given him life experiences that otherwise he would not have had. We were fortunate to spend a lot of time with both of them this weekend and I watched the two of them interact as if they'd been married for 20 years.

Brandon, Bonnie, and Ashton

My favorite part of the weekend was watching my Husband with his son. We spend an entire life parenting, disciplining, and making sure our kids get a good life. I've heard stories from both my Step-Sons of how "hard" he was on the boys but whatever he did worked. They are well mannered, goal oriented kids with big smiles and bigger hearts. His work is done, he can rest, and now comes his reward for Fatherhood.....friendship of his son.

Brandon and Ashton

I'm glad we had this time with the kids....just us and them.....because it took me back to when I was graduating to friendship with my parents. As we drove away from the kids and the beach today, I told Rudy that anytime I leave my parents I feel sad and I wondered if Brandon felt the same way. Good job honey for crossing over from parenthood to friendship. I love you both.

The Night The Lights Went Out

I got into my car Monday afternoon and within seconds a storm hit (HARD). Along my drive I saw limbs from trees flying around and an entire tree was blocking one of the roads so only 1 car could pass through. When I got home the lights were out so we decided to go to McDonald's for some playtime on the playground (Olivia, not Rudy and I - although if I thought I could still fit, I would probably try) After an hour or so we were ready for a change of scenery. We decided to go home, change clothes, and go to the gym. Thank goodness we called first....their lights were out also.

Olivia @ McDonald's

So the only choice we had was to sit at home, by candle light, and wait for the lights to come back on. My question is, what did people do before electricity?

I know....they worked hard in their fields...spent time talking as a family...fellowshipped with their friends...read books before dark. We don't have fields to plow (but after all this recent rain our yard is fast becoming one), we love to spend time as a family, fellowship with friends and reading is one of my favorite hobbies. These are not always our choices because electricity provides so many other options. We love to watch television, Austin loves his XBOX, and Paige is a computer addict. So....we got creative, lit a bunch of candles and decided to play farkle. Farkle is a dice game I have been playing with my family for several years now.

This was our set up

I have to admit...we had a lot of fun and the time passed quickly. Olivia won the first game (with a little help from Rudy and I) and just as we finished the second game the lights came back on. Of course then we rushed to catch up on bath time, washing clothes, resetting the clocks, and getting back to what we consider the normal. I think I may take time to catch up on one of my books this weekend. Even though it was a little inconvenient I'm thankful for the night the lights went out.